So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Bring me that man meat
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