Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
