It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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