I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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