I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
