dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
