You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
