I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
