saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
