jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
