How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I bet he comes in French.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
im holly from the hills drunk
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Randomize
