can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
