If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
