happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
