4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
