remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
