I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
