and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
