Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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