For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
