He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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