I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
