Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
