his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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