i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
