What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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