We're facebook friends in real life
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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