If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
