I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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