time to smoke my breakfast
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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