had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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