I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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