i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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