Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My penis needs a shock collar
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize