Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
