hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
This house was built for laser tag.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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