They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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