You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
