im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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