I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I am one with the molecules
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
