My nipple is on Facebook.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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