Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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