He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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