I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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