You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
