apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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