I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
