this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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