I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
