You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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