i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
