if i can run in heels then i can drive
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
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