im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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