I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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