My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
