Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Pooping to opera.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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